My heart is broken. Shattered into trillions upon trillions of pieces. I cared. I cared more than anyone will ever know. I have dreams where he is at my feet apologizing, begging for me back. I think about all of the wonderful times I had with him. How I could get back what had made me oh so happy. I think about how he had made me laugh when he tickled me and how happy I felt in is arms. I reach to take him in my arms and then I freeze. I remember. I remember how those times were few and in between. In between the times I was alone. In between the times I was crying. I remember how when my dog died and I needed him, all he texted was "I'm sorry" and didn't reply back after that. I remember when I was so excited about things and I would try to tell him and he just ignored me, or wasn't really listening. If he was, he didn't show it. I remember asking him out on a date, a walk. I was going to take him to my favorite place in the entire world. From there, you could see the entire town. And you could see the sun setting on the horizon. And the entire sky illuminating pinks, blues, purples, and oranges. The sun a beautiful orb. We could sit there and talk for hours I thought. We could watch the sky and laugh and just Be for a little while. Against all my doubts he agreed. I was So Happy. I packed us a huge lunch and spent over an hour preparing. It was time to go and I was waiting expectantly. He walked up to me with his friend and I knew instantly something was wrong. He said he had been double booked and was going to hang with his friend instead. I walked away. And I cried. And cried and cried and cried. And the thing was, he had no idea what he had just done. I asked him out on a walk again. He canceled last minute again. He didn't feel like it. Walk away. Cry and cry and cry. No matter how hard I tried to get near him, he pushed me away. And then, the one day I tell him that I'm having a tough day, he yells in my face telling me that his day was the worst on the fucking planet. I should have went over to him. I should have told him that it would be okay. I should have pulled him closer to me then. I should have I should have I should have. I walked away. I walked away and cried. I hid my pain from him so that he wouldn't know how much he hurt me. The next day, he told me things weren't working out. And I walked away. And Cried. I cried for hours. For Three Days Straight. I was broken. What I had tried so hard to keep together was pulled apart. I tried so hard to keep him. Sometimes I think that I didn't try hard enough... but then I laugh at myself. HE didn't try hard enough. He didn't try to grab me when I walked away. He didn't try to figure me out. All I tried to do was get to know him better and he just pushed me away. No matter how much I cared about him, how I Still Care About Him, I will never take him back. The pain is heavy in my heart and only the love of Another can lift it. I am shattered.
I still cry. Eventually I will stop. Eventually I will forget. Eventually someone else will replace the spot as the Best Friend. Eventually I will be happy again. Eventually...
Listening to: Bluebird